fuck this

NO VULGARITIES. NO VULGARITIES.

this is so irritating!

exams exams. if only i had hair. i wouldn't have had to spend money shaving it!



and and and.

everytime i think of how i ended our friendship, i realise i was too silly.
i rushed into it, because of what i heard. now when i see you in school, and i have to pretend like i don't see you, it's stupid la. seriously, then i read your blog to look at all the times you were there for me. damn i feel like a loser. a mistake i cannot erase la. although i wish i could.

argh i need to bitch and scold again.

WHY THE HELL WOULD ANYONE REQUEST SOMETHING TO BE DONE, AND GO ON TO FRICKING NOT EVEN USE MORE THAT 20% OF IT! OUT OF 17 FUCKING PAGES, ALL YOU COULD USE WAS A GENERAL DESCRIPTION OF THE TRIP?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! I PUT IN EFFORT DOING THAT. MAYBE YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING FUCKING FUNNY?! BITCH. WHY WOULD YOU DO WHAT. THAT'S LIKE FUCKING MAKING FUCKING LEONARDO DA VINCI PAINTING THE DAMN MONA LISA AND THEN FUCKING JUST BEING ACKNOWLEDGED FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO IT THEN? HOW FUCKING SENSELESS AND INSENSITIVE CAN YOU BE??!!

I PUT IN FUCKING LATE NIGHTS INTO THAT. FOR OVER A WEEK! CHEEBYE.

AND YOU DON'T SAY SORRY! SORRY DOESN'T HELP ANYTHING. I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU ACCEPT A SORRY WHEN I DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT. DUMBASS. TRAILER TRASH! YOU MADE ME LOOK LIKE A FOOL. LIKE A STUDENT THAT STUDIES 24 CHAPTERS FOR A TEST THAT ONLY COVERS 2 MOTHERFUCKING CHAPTERS!


NOW, ON TO THE MAIN COURSE. GOD DAMN IT. EXAMS ARE COMING UP. THERE ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY THINGS ON MY MIND. LIKE HOW IDIOTIC I AM.

LIKE WHAT A COMPLETELY FUCKING LOSER I AM FOR TAKING A BREAK FROM THE SEMINARY! OUTSIDE WORLD? I KNEW I COULDN'T MAKE IT. I DON'T LIKE THE OUTSIDE WORLD. I HATE IT. I THINK THE ONLY 5 THINGS I LIKE ARE CLUBBING, PUBBING, LATE NIGHTS, SMOKING AND SPENDING MONEY A LIL EXTRA. OTHER THAN THAT I FUCKING DON'T LIKE THE OUTSIDE WORLD. THERE'S NOTHING. I PREFER THAT SHELTERED LIFE.

HELL THERE'S NO NEED FOR LOVE. LOVE AND UNICORNS. THEY FUCKING EXIST IN MY DREAMS, AND MY DREAMS ALONE. AND YES! I DREAM OF UNICORNS, BECAUSE THEY'RE EASIER TO TALK TO THAT SOME FUCKING BITCHES.



MY SINCERE APOLOGIES FOR THIS. TO PEOPLE WHO READ, DON'T BOTHER ASKING ME THROUGH THE TAGBOARD, MAYBE FACE TO FACE OR THRU A PHONE CALL. SIMPLE AS THAT, I KNOW IT'S A WEIRD ASS POST, BUT I THINK BLOGGER'S A BETTER FRIEND THAN SOME. =)


and the past sometimes just doesn't go away. i guess sometimes a tear or two won't hurt. but sometimes a tear or 2 just goes on. for an hour or two. i am really sorry.=)












something's gotta be wrong when i start typing "suicide" and "self mutilation" in Google. not that i am, but you know, you're just so damn stressed up, and you don't have someone to tell. i do, but how irritating is it to call someone and bitch? VERY!

SOMAT!

Apologies for the use of profanities to come. If at all you feel the next few lines are directed towards you, then YES it is!

I fucking regret TRUSTING you.
I fucking regret CONFIDING in you.
I fucking regret HELPING you.
I fucking regret RESPECTING you.
I fucking regret LISTENING to you.
I fucking regret EVERYTHING that's you.

Ok. Apologies.


Somehow i find strength in these difficult times. Maybe I'm asking for too much. I shouldn't go to my friends when i have problems, cos it just makes me look stupid. Well i think so, what about you? It must piss them off la. I mean I'm always there, but sometimes people just run out of patience. Cannot blame them. Cos it's funny when you tell them, well not all and they just say something for the sake of it.

**You keep me going. I seriously cannot get you off my mind. I want to see you everyday. Carry you in my arms. Kiss you. Hug you. Play with you. Somersaults. Feed you. Laugh at you when you soil your pants. Have you laugh at me when you kick me. You're keeping me strong. I miss you too much. I wish I had the money to adopt you. Honestly, I'd give up everything. Even my vocation, my friends, just to come back and give you and your buddies all my time.

Can't you see that I'm sick of this?
Chances are you're oblivious to how I feel
Sitting on your throne, and I'm sure that I'm not alone,
Not alone, not alone.

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was it something that I couldn't see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I'm still wearing this miserable skin
And it's starting to tear from within
But it's obvious that doesn't bother you, so please

I didn't think that you'd sell me out
Now I know what you're all about.
You might feel in control of things.
But you're not holding all the strings.
All the strings, all the strings




retail therapy helps so much.

DIVORCE.IT REALLY KEEPS THE HOUSE QUIET. NO TALKING = NO PROBLEM.

you know i thought of questioning God. then i realised he's still there. but i wish my friends were. i'm slipping. seriously i am. but imagine how the kids in the orphanages feel. the single moms out there. talking about single moms. i had this HUGE debate with ******. i don't think anything is wrong. i personally don't have a friend who is a single mom. only the cousellors cases. the details of the debate, i can't put here. but i'll be glad to let ya'll know.

12 buckle my shoe

sleep sleep.

i need sleep.
there's no one online past 3 am.
ok actually there are quite a few.

so my sister is flying off for quite a long time. damn. now i''ll really be all alone. my parents have so many meetings to attend. the and my mum's flying away awhile later. then i don't have any women in my life.

holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.
holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.
holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.
holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.holymacaroni.

misses

SOMAT'S 'HEY WE'RE NOT DONE WITH THE SOMERSAULTS' LOOK



FINGERS IN NOSE AND MOUTH. I MISS THAT. I LOVE HIM. I MISS HIM.



I CLEARLY REMEMBER. WE WERE SO HIGH AFTER JUMPING AROUND.

I miss Somat quite a bit.
Heard he might be getting adopted soon. But highly unlikely.
I would hate to not see him again.
I'd give up whatever i'm doing right now just to spend one whole after noon with him.
I ain't no Micheal 'i'm sleeping with kids & yo momma so fat she better give birth to cute boys' Jackson.


well.funny things and feelings

STPMMWCMM! BSILTF.

i think i'm stupid. you know, when you have the open goal in a soccer match, and you SCREW it UP. and you know you'll never get that chance again, even though you'd LIKE to. you CAN'T, cos that chance goes to someone else! i don't know what i'm typing, quite sedated now. and i typed this for longer that usual with one finger. interesting la this injury.

anyone volunteers to update my blog? i'll buy you lunch and snacks.

GROOVY KIND OF CRUSH.

my eyes.

i fucking don't need to see anything.
i fucking wanna sleep.
and i don't need fucking fake concern and what not.


i got the monkey off my back. but the circus hasn't left the damn town!



Alone, in front of the expanse of black,
Light from the side but faith no more,
A moment to ponder before I crack,
And I reach for the pain without a sore.

It eludes me, that devious and sly thought,
Leaving the notion of immense disease,
A smile - receiving the item that I sought,
But it's a lie - I'm brought to my knees.

One, the sender, blinks and turns away,
Finding solace in personal deceptions,
Letting this helpless being cry and stray,
Upon the brink of futile conceptions.

Once - just maybe - there had been the rose,
Impish grins shining to respond in aluminum,
But the heart - it feels what the mind knows,
Sensing pain in edifices and a small crumb.

Falling, now, with no signs of stopping known,
Occasional hints with the facade of light to see,
Snapping and breaking every single bone,
Yet one would see an untouched body.

Light - the purifying source of all knowledge and lies,
Those Mundane objects re-attaching mortal debts,
Here - no, perhaps there, light returns and deeply sighs,
Streaming the curling smoke of darkened cigarettes.