a pig in a cage on antibiotics.
not a good time i guess. i mean staying alone is always like that. xbox, room, xbox. oh well.
honestly.
such a mixture of feelings/emotions. anger. disappointment. pessimism. excitement. hope. loneliness. i mean, the list can go on. but i really feel this way. and it is so damn ironic.(excitement and anger?)
i just cannot seem to think in a positive way. nothing good seems to be happening. i guess the class chalet helped, drinking always does. honestly, i'd love more confidence. i don't know, why people seem to keep telling me i am a nice guy, and i shouldn't give up, shouldn't keep thinking this way. but they are still not the people who bother calling. i mean, why would i call anyone at 0230 in the morning and go "hey, omg i feel so sad/frustrated/emo. let's talk". i'm not that thick - skinned. and the xbox isn't always that interesting.
i just think too much. maybe, i should just. stop bothering and give up. give up trying to do things for other people, knowing that nothing good is going to come out of it. god's telling me what a bad son i have been i suppose. but doesn't he like to taunt me so. the 2nd day of the chalet, when everyone left and i was alone. i had like, quiet time. that was so damn nice. like, i actually enjoyed what i was doing. the whole time. and i was happy. temporarily at least.
fuck, this is getting to be like an everyday affair. thinking. why do i even think so much? i have no idea. i always think of Staind's "Outside", there's a line in the song "but i feel, tomorrow will be ok", but tomorrow never seems to come. maybe i am just stuck here.
i don't remember who told me this at the chalet. but someone did for sure(unless i was talking to myself!). if you're fond of someone, it usually turns to love. but i think i fucking disagree with that. as in, if you don't let the person know. but if you do, then it's perfectly ok. i think it's seriously silly if you don't.(dumbass sit down and shut the hell up) but whoever told me that also told me that it's natural. well so are diet pills. pessimist talking. hello.
honestly.
such a mixture of feelings/emotions. anger. disappointment. pessimism. excitement. hope. loneliness. i mean, the list can go on. but i really feel this way. and it is so damn ironic.(excitement and anger?)
i just cannot seem to think in a positive way. nothing good seems to be happening. i guess the class chalet helped, drinking always does. honestly, i'd love more confidence. i don't know, why people seem to keep telling me i am a nice guy, and i shouldn't give up, shouldn't keep thinking this way. but they are still not the people who bother calling. i mean, why would i call anyone at 0230 in the morning and go "hey, omg i feel so sad/frustrated/emo. let's talk". i'm not that thick - skinned. and the xbox isn't always that interesting.
i just think too much. maybe, i should just. stop bothering and give up. give up trying to do things for other people, knowing that nothing good is going to come out of it. god's telling me what a bad son i have been i suppose. but doesn't he like to taunt me so. the 2nd day of the chalet, when everyone left and i was alone. i had like, quiet time. that was so damn nice. like, i actually enjoyed what i was doing. the whole time. and i was happy. temporarily at least.
fuck, this is getting to be like an everyday affair. thinking. why do i even think so much? i have no idea. i always think of Staind's "Outside", there's a line in the song "but i feel, tomorrow will be ok", but tomorrow never seems to come. maybe i am just stuck here.
i don't remember who told me this at the chalet. but someone did for sure(unless i was talking to myself!). if you're fond of someone, it usually turns to love. but i think i fucking disagree with that. as in, if you don't let the person know. but if you do, then it's perfectly ok. i think it's seriously silly if you don't.(dumbass sit down and shut the hell up) but whoever told me that also told me that it's natural. well so are diet pills. pessimist talking. hello.
posted by baldy at
02:34
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