i can see you, but i can never reach you

Quit playing Jesus. It does not work. I hate that. Just because i have not been going to church, doesn't mean I am happier. In fact, i hate it. Yeah but about changing parish', that is true. Oh well. Thank you for your concern. But do no play Jesus. Do not. But thank you.


an algebra test. favors for favors,
fond but not in love.
your vision is blocked. by the smoke. you don't want to.
your questions. rhetorical.
like fingers of the same hand. the piano remains silent.
i'll poison your wine. and talk to you.
the cigarette died. a carbon monoxcide handshake.

what the hell. 2 free tickets to watch spiderman 3. and what the hell do i do? idiot. haha! i am such an idiot!

prophetic juxtaposition

all day, it's like a firebreathing witchunt.
of local hypocrites and HER.
they reach for their bibles, and crosses
seemingly in control.
so quick to judge both the living and the dead;
she's begging you to stop. please fuckin don't.


this is fucked up. put me down. like the mongrel cat next door.
they sat there jeering and waving. jeering and waving.
i don't know why, i sat down in the cupboard.
can't you see that i'm running away from you?
NO ONE LIKES A SMARTASS. WE'LL ARREST THE POLICE.


naked and afraid, she came to you.
bread, shelter and a bed.
the ignorance pierced you too, like your labret. you knew!(FUCK!)
but you don't have that love inside your acidic blood.
try to say you're sorry!
try to make things work!


"as long as you don't panic! the answer is within your reach!
i think i like you, and i want to.
it's wrong. but just freakin maybe.
i like it."

-one of the best so far.

thom yorke's eraser "wannabe"

i love you thom. i really do.

=). true feelings.

the funniest thing is. i bet no one will know what this song is about!

the more i try to erase you, the more you appear.

Blessie! My Angel of Music! Ha!
Thank you for the lovely evening! =)

Phantom. Awesome. I want to watch it again. I seriously do. I WANT TO WATCH PHANTOM OF THE OPERA AGAIN. This maybe be direct, or it might not. I don't really care. =)!

But the company was so much better. Ok being the only guy, was funny. But not seeing you guys everyday, has become weird. But I'll look forward to meet-ups and Pasir Ris Park "Lepak" sessions. =)

The heat has been such a bitch recently. I cannot help but blame us Humans. Its almost as if, we don't care. But like, we're the ones who are going to die. Just like dinosaurs. The number of cars on the road. The environment is not something sacred anymore. Ok hypocrite. I do not do my part. I admit. I don't. But still, I mean, it's happening. That thing, that some dude said would happen. It's happening. I don't remember what was said, or who said it. But it was something like. AH! Homer Simpson! Yes yes. But seriously, I wish we could do something about it. Time is running out for us. The clock cannot turn itself back.

Freakin fights in Isreal. Hamas militants firing rockets in. A bomb blast in Indonesia. It all adds up and contributes. These factors are important. It's sickening. But at the same time, (to quote THOM YORKE,) 'we just can't anything about it'.

On a better note. Somehow i feel so much happier now. I mean. I don't know why. I think it's Sarah. Yeah, after the talking to i got. I kinda woke up. Damn it. Negativity. Shoo shooo.

Brian Molko and Jane Birkin. Awesome song. "SMILE".

So smile, smile And the whole world will smile with you So smile, Baby, smile If the whole world just had a clue

My thoughts are more positive. I kind of do have more confidence. As in seriously, but i don't know what to do with it. Anyone wants to erm? Eat a whale? I'm confident! haha What do i do with confidence!??!?!?

on another happy note. MAN U BEAT AC MILAN 3-2. ROONEY IN THE 91st! Ronaldo under performed! Hopefully they come off with a draw at the San Siro. Not and easy place to go with 2 away goals scored against you!

so to me you'll never fade

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!
if only i did my duty as a friend and forced you to go with my for the supp papers. that night i sms'd you. haha. damn it.
we'll still have fun. and church. and a whole lot of shit. you better join us for lunch often! in nyp.
god has a plan. i'm sure of that my dear brother. i'm sure of that. after all the rubbish we've done. 6 years and counting. =)
'i lubch euuuu'

amanda.diyy.joezer.sahi.sarahjane.

if i could give you a hug right now. i would.
jack lied to me. a lot. an elliptical caress.
ego.pride.anger.hate.bitchy.bastard.negativity never late
you kicked it aside. like a crushed tin can.
i thought my guardian angel left.for good.
i guess, she just met up with you.
because i wasn't listening to her.

thank you. i spoke to sarah. btw. peace.

apologies for ruining a friendship.

red wine and sleeping pills.

Last night. Was awful. Seriously. I cannot recall anything normal i have done ever since i went to school on Thursday. I have met up with Jack wayyyy to many times! Jack even came with me to school on Thursday. Managed to piss off a few people. Oh well, that's like another story.

But i see something i like. Whenever Jack is with me, i feel better. I feel more confident. More positivity. But very "Wildboyz-ish". Jack sort of answers quite a few questions i ask him. I asked him a few just now when we were spending time together. Got some awesome answers. Oh well.
For example:

Me: Hey Jack, why do i feel that certain people are not very happy with me? Like not very happy, but pretending to be happy?
Jack: Fuck them. Ignore them.

Me: Hey Jack, why do i feel so alone at 3a.m?
Jack: You've got me buddy.

Me: Hey Jack, what happens to the car now?
Jack: Screw that, you're Superman. You can fucking fly.


Everyone go. AWWWWWW..

yes, and i feel like a complete jerkoff. and it feels so weird. jillian, i told you. it feels so weird. and it's so retarded. why did i even think about it? oh well. haha. i am a complete jerkoff. something tells me i should apologise. but i don't want to get an "but you didn't do anything RIGHT?" reply to that. as usual. i end up on the losing end. it's always the case huh. =)



open your door, and let me in.
open your door, and i'll come in.
unlock your door, and i'll come in.
save it. i can't kickstart a dead horse.
i can't save a lit cigarette.
you beep like a phone underwater.

Radiohead. "How To Disappear Completely". Exactly how i feel.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/radiohead/howtodisappearcompletely.html

a pig in a cage on antibiotics.

not a good time i guess. i mean staying alone is always like that. xbox, room, xbox. oh well.
honestly.
such a mixture of feelings/emotions. anger. disappointment. pessimism. excitement. hope. loneliness. i mean, the list can go on. but i really feel this way. and it is so damn ironic.(excitement and anger?)
i just cannot seem to think in a positive way. nothing good seems to be happening. i guess the class chalet helped, drinking always does. honestly, i'd love more confidence. i don't know, why people seem to keep telling me i am a nice guy, and i shouldn't give up, shouldn't keep thinking this way. but they are still not the people who bother calling. i mean, why would i call anyone at 0230 in the morning and go "hey, omg i feel so sad/frustrated/emo. let's talk". i'm not that thick - skinned. and the xbox isn't always that interesting.
i just think too much. maybe, i should just. stop bothering and give up. give up trying to do things for other people, knowing that nothing good is going to come out of it. god's telling me what a bad son i have been i suppose. but doesn't he like to taunt me so. the 2nd day of the chalet, when everyone left and i was alone. i had like, quiet time. that was so damn nice. like, i actually enjoyed what i was doing. the whole time. and i was happy. temporarily at least.

fuck, this is getting to be like an everyday affair. thinking. why do i even think so much? i have no idea. i always think of Staind's "Outside", there's a line in the song "but i feel, tomorrow will be ok", but tomorrow never seems to come. maybe i am just stuck here.

i don't remember who told me this at the chalet. but someone did for sure(unless i was talking to myself!). if you're fond of someone, it usually turns to love. but i think i fucking disagree with that. as in, if you don't let the person know. but if you do, then it's perfectly ok. i think it's seriously silly if you don't.(dumbass sit down and shut the hell up) but whoever told me that also told me that it's natural. well so are diet pills. pessimist talking. hello.

fitter, happier, more productive, comfortable, not drinking too much.

funniest thing that happened!!
somehow i couldn't resist.
almost as if it was a dance. somehow i thought of it.
urgh.















and so it went down as insanity. alcohol.meat.pass out from drinking.wake up.drink.xbox and be lazy and start the fire alone.[=)]. benson, you gotta admit, the prank was funny. =)

i'm not living, i'm just killing time.

I read Michelle Hon's email and just broke down. Yes folks, the Loser cried. Like, why did i even bother doubting God. (Romans 5:8 NIV) But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

And after what Joe tagged, i remembered the reason i got the ink. I remember my exact feelings when i was getting it done.

I apologise for doubting. I shouldn't have.

And Man U lost. Sigh. How irritating.

Happy Easter to all!

thoughts of a dying atheist

have you ever wanted to question God? i'm not talking about questions like, "Hey God, why is there murder and rape if you really love us?" i'm talking about comin some tough questions - along the lines of doubts and challenges.

I remember that The West Wing had an episode where the President spoke to God in a Cathedral, after his best friend died.

"I give thanks to you, O Lord. Am I really to believe that these are the acts of a loving God? A just God? A wise God? To hell with your punishments. I was your servant here on Earth. And I spread your word and I did your work. To hell with your punishments. To hell with you!"

shocked?well so was i. but President had a point, just that shouting to hell with God, isn't exactly cool.

i can't continue with this post. it wouldn't be right.

but i have lost faith.

i have seriously lost it. and my nights just got lonelier.

something for the rag and bone man.

i think he would have appreciated it more.

Acid tongue. Venom words. Don't infect me with your poison.

Woman/Girls in general do not, I repeat, DO NOT appreciate what is done for them. Why don't you just let me know how many people in your bloody office want snacks? I'll queue up for another 3 hours, and wait almost another 3 to finally pass you stuff?
Patience? HA!, that's called fucking Stupidity. Take a cab waiting for your damn bloody sms. "Sorry i was having discussions." Woah! Holy crap. It's alright, i'll wait for you to bother replying. I don't really have a life, and i'm a fucking loser. Yeah. I'll sit at the bus stop. How exciting. Whooopdidooo!
Hungry, lonely, tired. Well who cares, i thought i could make your fucking days. But guess what, i don't care anymore. Yeah, with two jiggles of a jack rabbits ass, i don't give a damn. I will not talk to you. And i don't want to. It doesn't matter how busy you are, if you wanted to give me something more than a thanks, you can and will. But work rules! I was lazy to fucking queue, but i wanted to do it so damn badly. Thanks a lot.
"Oh I'll give you a hug when I'm back." HAHA! What?! Like that'll be totally rad! Fuck hugs, and group hugs and whatever. I don't need that shit. Just. Disappear. I'll continue to wait for you to bother calling in the wee hours. I'll wait, and wait and wait. Like a butterfly in a hurricane.

To top it all of, I actually bothered thinking about it. If i did it without thinking it would be cool. But i wanted to do it. A 6-hour wait is just 5 hours and 59 minutes too long.

i don't need a ticket with anything nice. i don't really fucking care. just go. work. work. work. yes, i'm childish. but i have a right to be.

Kenneth was right. Who needs them when it's just the three of us. Screw you. And you too.

all i do is, build sandcastles and kick them. i wish i could stop doing that. maybe i don't want to.

may pretty horses come to you as you sleep.

who needs sleep when you've got Radiohead. Thom Yorke. lyrical genius.

just 'cause you feel it doesn't mean its there

says it all.


StupiDominic.

I
DOMINIC
I
O
T

maybe i should just fucking stop trying to surprise people and just surprise myself.

no more common dress or elliptical caress

Kids in school, algebra test. Thomas is closest to the window, and he isn't sure of the answer. It's 3x. He hands up his paper and walks to the playground. The other kids want him to play. But he wasn't in the mood. He slept for hardly 2 hours so he could get full marks for the test. In exasperation he threw the scone on the floor, walked up to his best friend Harold (from the other class) and kicked him. "The answer was 3x you blooming idiot!"

"Get up. The next time you get anything less than full marks for you exams. You'd be praying for a split lip instead! Get back to them books! If only you were dead. I'd be a happier man. No more a Father!"

The walk home was a long one for Thomas. Every step he took, his anger grew. Strangely, he chose not to turn into Qisangham Cottage. He walked on. Somehow, he knew where he was going. Somehow, Thomas knew what he was going to do. Something seemed strange. Thomas was usually calm. Calm because he was afraid of his Father. Quiet because of fear. Motivated, by lashings.

Expectations? But why?

The railway station was quiet. Trains had not passed this place in a long time. The rest of us knew that it was the perfect place to come to. We always came here. There was something different about this place. It was dark, yet it seemed so lively.
Thomas sat down. His face, red.
The expectation weight me down. After years of waiting. Your expectations flash before my eyes. I'm a reasonable boy. Get off my case. Get off my case. Get off my case! I want the toys of other boys. The have skateboards and stuff from the City. I've had these toys since i was born. I'll show you. I'll show you. You never loved me anyway. I'll show you.
Thomas looked as if he was hiding something so badly. But how could a boy of 16, have such an aura about him. It was as if, he wanted to kill someone. Maybe he was, because he had a blade in his hand.

This is fucked up. Fucked up. I don't care what the future holds. I don't care where I end up. I can't take this. No one cares for me. No one loves me. I hate being alone. What is wrong with everyone. Can't they see the pain I am in? Can't they help? Yes I want attention. I want love.

I sat that watching helplessly as Thomas cut himself. But he seemed to be carving something. It was scary. He seemed to be oblivious to the pain. Almost as if, he was used to doing it. His left arm was covered with '3x'. So was his left leg. His face was not spared. But he cut his cheeks. Everyone knew his cheeks turned rosy everytime something funny took place. His cheeks turned rosy when he was angry as well. This time, he was covered in a crimson mask.

So you like my cheeks. Now there's nothing left to look at. Take that swines! I'm not your lap dog. I am not your lap dog.

Thomas started to walk towards the River. Just the other side of the hill. But he took an old bicycle he found by the shed in the Station. He pedalled to the place where all the young children were told not to go. The myth of a dragon living in these waters were not true, but solidified by the 3 sheep that went missing. But Thomas was at the shallowest part. It was only knee deep.

Finally. This pain means nothing. Cry me for. Cry for me.

He undressed, and stepped into the cold water in the nude. In the distance, the sound of whistles and men running could be heard. He had already been missing for more that 8 hours. He put his head under and took a deep breath.
Thomas was as complicating as algebra. No one knew what was in his mind. No one knew how he worked. All he wanted was

this is your chance for happiness.
i dream of being famous.
going to drama school.
my face will be on television.
you will cry at my songs.
resist me now, you're a mess.
you're like an animal in distress.
i'm invisible. like a cigarette in rebuttal.
you're like a pulse on a dead man.

walking out in a force ten gale.

So? Is everything fine with you?
It's been awhile hasn't it?
Sweet. It'll be fun. I'm stoked.

Well i don't think i am that lucky. "Lucky Dominic"? What's the hell is that!?

What a boring April Fools' it's gonna be! I guess someone'll do something stupid.

And Manchester United are within touching distance of the title. Better yet, they've still got a FA Cup Semi Final and the honour of playing in the Champions League. Cristiano setting up 2 more goals as they annihilated Blackburn 4-1. Giggity giggity goo!

P.S: Fasting seems like a waste. I try, but nothing seems to be working. I might as well just stop. Well i should. Yeah. Whatever Mr. Pereira. Carls Junior Ahoy!